Climbing highlights Descartes' Error.

I finally found a climb that suites my style, bits of slab to gentle overhanging with technical climbing with great rests and lost of technique; a rarity in the Red. After falling off of both warm up climbs yesterday I got on Swahili Slang at the Motherlode, a 5.12b/c. Pete onsited it with some difficulty.

Since I've been struggling with my confidence of late and wasn't sure if I could pull all the moves (I've only lead one 12c in my life), I decided to clean the route on top rope. I headed up with some difficulty falling off at ever second bolt.

Picture: Pete L taking a rest before the ramp on Swahili Slang, 12b/c.

Picture: Pete L climbing the ramp on Swahili Slang, 12b/c.

* Warning Skip the next two paragraphs if you aren't a climber...*

The moves were amazing, a boulder start, you hand jam side pull a big pocket, to make a long move to a crimp at the first bolt maybe 3' above. Then you high step left foot, adjust you right to get under you and then did a stretching move to a good pocket, some jug hauling for the next 10 ft leads to another big pull off an undercling to a rail where you get the 3rd bolt. A couple more moves onto slopers and you mantel up onto a slab ramp and a rest. You then climb the ramp for 3 moves and then clip around the arete to clip on the face below the ramp. You then fall out of the ramp back onto the over hanging face for another 4 moves and a wicked rock on to the ramp once more to make a long move to a ledge where you get to rest before having to pull the first of two mantel moves to establish on the left.

You get a shake on some crimps and then move left on side pulls and crimps to get to the next ledge which sets you up for the crux moves; a mantel into an undercling that you catch with you thumb. Though the crux move is done, its not over, you need to shuffle your feet left on the small ledge to set you left foot up at the edge. So you can reach up to a right hand gaston, go again to a pocket another foot to the left. If you are tall you can work you right foot to a sloping hold down and right of the hold, this is a really stretchy move and probably won't work for people under 5'9". You can come into the gaston with you right hand then make a coupe more moves right on a sloping rail then move you left foot to a high step and make another big move to a ledge. If you latch you have just one more long move to make the anchors.

* End of climber beta spray section *

Picture: Pete L back out on the face on Swahili Slang, 12b/c.

Needless to say, I fell all over it while cleaning. I didn't feel like any of the moves were show stoppers, I think I could do all of them in groups. As I walked over to the undertow wall I couldn't get the route out of my mind, the moves really suited me, and I know that the style suited me. I could get rests and get my heart rate down on the rests since it wasn't steep but was really intimidated by the grade and feeling fragile ego. I don't know if I could take committing to trying to do the route and having to deal with failure if I didn't get it. I recognized that I wasn't really committing to any route and because of this I wasn't having any success. My fear of failure was holding me back, it was giving me an excuse when I failed - I didn't really want to do the route, I wasn't committed to it.

Picture: Pete L giving a flex after onsiting Swahili Slang, 12b/c.

I walked back to the route to find two guys working on it so I changed my plan for the day. Instead of doing fitness on the steep 12a of the Undertow wall I would commit to doing Swahili Slang.

My first go showed I could makes the movies since I one hanged it after falling at the 3rd bolt trying to get into the ramp.

My second attempt is when I realized just how distracted I was climbing. I was focused on "getting the tick" and how "good" about myself I would feel if I did. The symbol of success instead of just enjoying the process. This pressure to succeed that i was putting on myself culminated in failure when I climbed to the top and then fell off the last hard move at getting to the last bolt. I wasn't tremendously tired. I hit the jug ledge I was going to with my left hand and could have latched the hold but I was so distracted by what it would mean if I did the climb, I didn't allow myself to latch the hold.

Tired and keenly aware of how the chatter in my head was causing my failure I walked over to belay James on his second attempt on Skin Boat which he did without too much apparent trouble. On the walk back I talked with Pete about how distracted I have been climbing. He mentioned that he could almost see me thinking about ticking my 8a score card while I was climbing. He was right, I knew it but I didn't realize how apparent it was in my climbing.

It seems that this lesson of not being focused on the goal but on the process is a lesson I'm going to have to learn over and over again since I remember the same process last year. Maybe that is a complement to climbing in the Red, it forces you to deal with grade chasing since the grades are all over the map. In the end the joy of climbing here should come from the routes not the glory of getting a route done or the grade associated with it.

So I practice a bit of meditation before starting up on the route and this my forth attempt of the day, third on lead I was very aware of my self talk and more importantly how catching myself when I started to focus on thoughts of completing the route or thinking about how my pump would affect me for the moves 4-5 moves ahead instead of the one I was trying to make. Sure enough, this time I made the ascent without difficulty. Seems that as with Burlier's Bane, I need to get in a meditative state in order to climb well. I can't be distracted with other thoughts. Its an example of just how powerful the mind and emotions are in the process of doing anything. I think in climbing its very easy to see the affects of the mind on performance.

It seems that I can take comfort in something I already knew; I can climb 12 when its to my strength by I need to find way to accept that the Red, in general, is not to my strength and I need to let go of getting ascents as my measure of success.

Ups and downs; still trying to get some red endurance.

Just a little over a week in the Red and I though it was a worthy time to talk about how the trip is progressing and the emotional and physical ups and downs.

I've done my first 5.12a at the Undertow wall, Burlier's Bane. I should be happy since this matches my hardest climb ticked last year. I took little joy in it, feeling a bit guilty for having used a hueco rest on the right of the climb. It's a few moves off the primary line and it does setup well for continuing the route on exit but many people are not using it. Ethics are always open to debate but for me personally its more of a struggle with myself. I always find endurance a hard thing in climbing and I'm not performing the way I would like to in this area. I want to be able to climb these amazing routes and enjoy them more and so far, I haven't found a way to enjoy them fully when my forearms are pumping battery acid and my hand are opening.

In many ways this stance is just being negative towards myself. I, for whatever reason, have decided to be self deprecating instead of taking joy in my success. I minimize it, I find myself downplaying my success and making it feel illegitimate - self talk like "I took the rest on the right of Burlier's Bane so it doesn't sych with my idea of what the climbing ethic of the area is". I think this all is an underlying impatience with myself, I just wanted to climb some of these amazing routes here and I want to improve. I but a lot of time and energy into this effort leading into this trip and the expectations I built while doing this have caught up to me. Easy enough to understand, quite a bit harder to change.

Picture: Me on Magnum Opus

The last session out was a single day event where Evan and I went to the Solarium. We warmed up and then got hosed by a line up for Banshee and Abiyoyo. Instead of these we got on Magnum Opus, a fun and well suited 12a for my style of climb. After two burns on it, I moved over to Abiyoyo a good 12b with a boulder problem crux. Evan worked it out first and put up the draws. I made an attempted but got hosed by the crux which I found quite hard. My fingers couldn't quite keep me in on the small holds. I became frustrated and had to lower off without pulling the crux, a bruise to my ego.

Picture: Me on Magnum Opus

After that attempted I decided it was better to take a double rest day. Pete was also doing it and it would be a first double rest day cycle of the trip.

I'm writing this on rest day cycle two. I'm feeling better and despite a sore right knee, optimistic that the next day on will having me feeling a bit better. I'm also wondering how much of my emotional frustrations might be linked to the change. Once of my friends Paul and others have mentioned that I don't deal well with change. I'm wondering if maybe some of my feelings of disconnection aren't related to this. There is a lot of change and adapting that goes on when moving into a house for a climbing trip with 4 of your friends.

To extend this line of thinking, as we age we deal less well with change. Maybe the last couple years where I have been struggling is a result of not relaxing into the changes in my life and struggling to control what's coming at me. Seems a good explanation as any for my somewhat disconnected and/or ambivalence to life and where I'm going. If I think back to the most exciting and happiest moments of my life are when I was taking things as they came and choosing in the moment. Having to some degree a faith in the best outcome, now I seem to be projecting into the future that I can see from the behaviour of people around me and humanities activities at large. Once again, I take on too much, I can't be responsible for humanity only myself. Its easy to say, hard not to project or force it on others.

I look forward to being more in the moment. The fresh air of this second rest day creeping in from the open deck door is already reminding me to be here and now. The rest is yet to come.

The return to the Red.

The return to the red after a year away has so far been eventful. This year I didn't have swine flu and wasn't traveling for the three weeks prior to arriving so I should be in much better shape for being able to do well. With that comes the extra baggage of expectations. As much as I've tried to avoid creating them they have found their way into the side door. I hope i can manage them appropriately, since i know this place is one of the hardest climbing destinations to prepare for.

There have been a few hiccups so far. We got a crazy taxi driver from Jordan who pulled a classic move of "making a wrong turn then playing stupid to make sure our fare about another 10% more. It was a bit annoying and I hate to profile but I have seen these tricks before in my travels.

So we picked up the car then went over to the airport on Sunday to pick up Pete's bag which arrived at 11 AM. We then change and repacks some bags for climbing at the airport and met Luke, MF and James at Miguel's. I saw the horse race track in the trip and thought of you.

Picture: Leo and I keeping each other warm at the Undertow wall.

We met up then headed to the Drive-By crag with a cool cat named Matt from Portland whom I had met last year at Chek while working on Face the Music. Once at the crag, I found that I had forgotten my harness .... in my other pack and so it wasn't at the crag. So Evan, James and I spent the day trading off harnesses so that i could climb. I warmed up repeating a 10d, then an 11a and an 11c from last year. I finished up the day attempting a 12a called Prima Noctum. I'm feeling much stronger than last year but still realized that the steep climbs intimidate me. I was also pretty tired from the traveling so didn't push too hard. Evan managed to do the same routes I did but attempted the first 12a that I did then tried another one called Check Your Grip which I want to do.

Picture: Luke Zimmerman on Kaleidoscope

James made an attempt on Beer Belly, 13a and made good progress so it looks like we'll be going back there again soon.

Picture: James on Beer Belly, 13a.

Picture: Pete, Luke and James at Drive-By Crag.

I slept light, waking up to the sound of the showers several time and my weekday wake up call. The jet lag was a bit of pain as we are 3 hours ahead. I woke up feeling fairly good at 9 AM.

We all at and headed out to the Motherlode in two separate cars; James, Evan and I in one, MF and Pete in the other. On the drive I noticed that the air pressure low light was on so I checked the car when we arrived. The front left tire was a bit low. So I made a mental note to fill it up when we left. After warming up on a couple 11a and 11b's we went over to the Madness to cave to show Evan but decided that the holds were too humid and moist to climb there so we headed out the go to where MF and Pete had decided to go after coming to the same conclusion.

When we hiked back out we jump into the car and I drove over. After arriving at the parking lot for the new crag I rechecked the tire and found we could hear the air leaking from it and it was super low. I sent Evan and James on their way and drove out to deal with the tire. I filled it at a nearby gas station then drove back to the dirt road that goes into the the climbing area's. Finding a puddle i rolled the tire through the puddle and checked for bubble to find the leak. It seems we had driven over a screw. The leak didn't seem too fast so I drove back into and joined the guys at the new crag.

Evan and James had only managed one 12b in my absences so I was able to join back in with the circuit. I started with the STEEPEST 10d I have ever been on; the name, Girls Gone Wild, Wooo! I nearly pumped out a couple times but managed to pull through from shear stubbornness and some good technique to recover after I made a hard move or two. It was nice to get through an onsite this year which I'm sure I would have fallen off of last year.

I followed up with the steepest 11c I have ever been on. It was a lot of fun but I elected not to attempt to red point it and instead try another 11c in the area. After top roping the second 11c, I was done for the day. Evan was getting beaten up on pretty bad, having to hang dog his way up the 11c that I top roped. He finish the day by doing the 10d I put up initially. He was pretty bagged and so had to go bolt to bolt at the top.

At this crag we met a guy you and I saw in Red Rocks at xmas two years ago; Don Walsh. He is a fairly prominent climbing in his time. He put a famous 13c called Sissy Traverse at the Gallery in Red Rocks. It was fun to chat with him, he was a very humble fellow and offered some great advice.

We packed up and headed home. The car tire only a little bit less full than when I had returned. So we are leaving it over night and will fill it with air tomorrow an get it fixed.