Climbing highlights Descartes' Error.

I finally found a climb that suites my style, bits of slab to gentle overhanging with technical climbing with great rests and lost of technique; a rarity in the Red. After falling off of both warm up climbs yesterday I got on Swahili Slang at the Motherlode, a 5.12b/c. Pete onsited it with some difficulty.

Since I've been struggling with my confidence of late and wasn't sure if I could pull all the moves (I've only lead one 12c in my life), I decided to clean the route on top rope. I headed up with some difficulty falling off at ever second bolt.

Picture: Pete L taking a rest before the ramp on Swahili Slang, 12b/c.

Picture: Pete L climbing the ramp on Swahili Slang, 12b/c.

* Warning Skip the next two paragraphs if you aren't a climber...*

The moves were amazing, a boulder start, you hand jam side pull a big pocket, to make a long move to a crimp at the first bolt maybe 3' above. Then you high step left foot, adjust you right to get under you and then did a stretching move to a good pocket, some jug hauling for the next 10 ft leads to another big pull off an undercling to a rail where you get the 3rd bolt. A couple more moves onto slopers and you mantel up onto a slab ramp and a rest. You then climb the ramp for 3 moves and then clip around the arete to clip on the face below the ramp. You then fall out of the ramp back onto the over hanging face for another 4 moves and a wicked rock on to the ramp once more to make a long move to a ledge where you get to rest before having to pull the first of two mantel moves to establish on the left.

You get a shake on some crimps and then move left on side pulls and crimps to get to the next ledge which sets you up for the crux moves; a mantel into an undercling that you catch with you thumb. Though the crux move is done, its not over, you need to shuffle your feet left on the small ledge to set you left foot up at the edge. So you can reach up to a right hand gaston, go again to a pocket another foot to the left. If you are tall you can work you right foot to a sloping hold down and right of the hold, this is a really stretchy move and probably won't work for people under 5'9". You can come into the gaston with you right hand then make a coupe more moves right on a sloping rail then move you left foot to a high step and make another big move to a ledge. If you latch you have just one more long move to make the anchors.

* End of climber beta spray section *

Picture: Pete L back out on the face on Swahili Slang, 12b/c.

Needless to say, I fell all over it while cleaning. I didn't feel like any of the moves were show stoppers, I think I could do all of them in groups. As I walked over to the undertow wall I couldn't get the route out of my mind, the moves really suited me, and I know that the style suited me. I could get rests and get my heart rate down on the rests since it wasn't steep but was really intimidated by the grade and feeling fragile ego. I don't know if I could take committing to trying to do the route and having to deal with failure if I didn't get it. I recognized that I wasn't really committing to any route and because of this I wasn't having any success. My fear of failure was holding me back, it was giving me an excuse when I failed - I didn't really want to do the route, I wasn't committed to it.

Picture: Pete L giving a flex after onsiting Swahili Slang, 12b/c.

I walked back to the route to find two guys working on it so I changed my plan for the day. Instead of doing fitness on the steep 12a of the Undertow wall I would commit to doing Swahili Slang.

My first go showed I could makes the movies since I one hanged it after falling at the 3rd bolt trying to get into the ramp.

My second attempt is when I realized just how distracted I was climbing. I was focused on "getting the tick" and how "good" about myself I would feel if I did. The symbol of success instead of just enjoying the process. This pressure to succeed that i was putting on myself culminated in failure when I climbed to the top and then fell off the last hard move at getting to the last bolt. I wasn't tremendously tired. I hit the jug ledge I was going to with my left hand and could have latched the hold but I was so distracted by what it would mean if I did the climb, I didn't allow myself to latch the hold.

Tired and keenly aware of how the chatter in my head was causing my failure I walked over to belay James on his second attempt on Skin Boat which he did without too much apparent trouble. On the walk back I talked with Pete about how distracted I have been climbing. He mentioned that he could almost see me thinking about ticking my 8a score card while I was climbing. He was right, I knew it but I didn't realize how apparent it was in my climbing.

It seems that this lesson of not being focused on the goal but on the process is a lesson I'm going to have to learn over and over again since I remember the same process last year. Maybe that is a complement to climbing in the Red, it forces you to deal with grade chasing since the grades are all over the map. In the end the joy of climbing here should come from the routes not the glory of getting a route done or the grade associated with it.

So I practice a bit of meditation before starting up on the route and this my forth attempt of the day, third on lead I was very aware of my self talk and more importantly how catching myself when I started to focus on thoughts of completing the route or thinking about how my pump would affect me for the moves 4-5 moves ahead instead of the one I was trying to make. Sure enough, this time I made the ascent without difficulty. Seems that as with Burlier's Bane, I need to get in a meditative state in order to climb well. I can't be distracted with other thoughts. Its an example of just how powerful the mind and emotions are in the process of doing anything. I think in climbing its very easy to see the affects of the mind on performance.

It seems that I can take comfort in something I already knew; I can climb 12 when its to my strength by I need to find way to accept that the Red, in general, is not to my strength and I need to let go of getting ascents as my measure of success.