Just a little over a week in the Red and I though it was a worthy time to talk about how the trip is progressing and the emotional and physical ups and downs.
I've done my first 5.12a at the Undertow wall, Burlier's Bane. I should be happy since this matches my hardest climb ticked last year. I took little joy in it, feeling a bit guilty for having used a hueco rest on the right of the climb. It's a few moves off the primary line and it does setup well for continuing the route on exit but many people are not using it. Ethics are always open to debate but for me personally its more of a struggle with myself. I always find endurance a hard thing in climbing and I'm not performing the way I would like to in this area. I want to be able to climb these amazing routes and enjoy them more and so far, I haven't found a way to enjoy them fully when my forearms are pumping battery acid and my hand are opening.
In many ways this stance is just being negative towards myself. I, for whatever reason, have decided to be self deprecating instead of taking joy in my success. I minimize it, I find myself downplaying my success and making it feel illegitimate - self talk like "I took the rest on the right of Burlier's Bane so it doesn't sych with my idea of what the climbing ethic of the area is". I think this all is an underlying impatience with myself, I just wanted to climb some of these amazing routes here and I want to improve. I but a lot of time and energy into this effort leading into this trip and the expectations I built while doing this have caught up to me. Easy enough to understand, quite a bit harder to change.
I've done my first 5.12a at the Undertow wall, Burlier's Bane. I should be happy since this matches my hardest climb ticked last year. I took little joy in it, feeling a bit guilty for having used a hueco rest on the right of the climb. It's a few moves off the primary line and it does setup well for continuing the route on exit but many people are not using it. Ethics are always open to debate but for me personally its more of a struggle with myself. I always find endurance a hard thing in climbing and I'm not performing the way I would like to in this area. I want to be able to climb these amazing routes and enjoy them more and so far, I haven't found a way to enjoy them fully when my forearms are pumping battery acid and my hand are opening.
In many ways this stance is just being negative towards myself. I, for whatever reason, have decided to be self deprecating instead of taking joy in my success. I minimize it, I find myself downplaying my success and making it feel illegitimate - self talk like "I took the rest on the right of Burlier's Bane so it doesn't sych with my idea of what the climbing ethic of the area is". I think this all is an underlying impatience with myself, I just wanted to climb some of these amazing routes here and I want to improve. I but a lot of time and energy into this effort leading into this trip and the expectations I built while doing this have caught up to me. Easy enough to understand, quite a bit harder to change.
Picture: Me on Magnum Opus
The last session out was a single day event where Evan and I went to the Solarium. We warmed up and then got hosed by a line up for Banshee and Abiyoyo. Instead of these we got on Magnum Opus, a fun and well suited 12a for my style of climb. After two burns on it, I moved over to Abiyoyo a good 12b with a boulder problem crux. Evan worked it out first and put up the draws. I made an attempted but got hosed by the crux which I found quite hard. My fingers couldn't quite keep me in on the small holds. I became frustrated and had to lower off without pulling the crux, a bruise to my ego.
After that attempted I decided it was better to take a double rest day. Pete was also doing it and it would be a first double rest day cycle of the trip.
I'm writing this on rest day cycle two. I'm feeling better and despite a sore right knee, optimistic that the next day on will having me feeling a bit better. I'm also wondering how much of my emotional frustrations might be linked to the change. Once of my friends Paul and others have mentioned that I don't deal well with change. I'm wondering if maybe some of my feelings of disconnection aren't related to this. There is a lot of change and adapting that goes on when moving into a house for a climbing trip with 4 of your friends.
To extend this line of thinking, as we age we deal less well with change. Maybe the last couple years where I have been struggling is a result of not relaxing into the changes in my life and struggling to control what's coming at me. Seems a good explanation as any for my somewhat disconnected and/or ambivalence to life and where I'm going. If I think back to the most exciting and happiest moments of my life are when I was taking things as they came and choosing in the moment. Having to some degree a faith in the best outcome, now I seem to be projecting into the future that I can see from the behaviour of people around me and humanities activities at large. Once again, I take on too much, I can't be responsible for humanity only myself. Its easy to say, hard not to project or force it on others.
I look forward to being more in the moment. The fresh air of this second rest day creeping in from the open deck door is already reminding me to be here and now. The rest is yet to come.
Picture: Me on Magnum Opus
After that attempted I decided it was better to take a double rest day. Pete was also doing it and it would be a first double rest day cycle of the trip.
I'm writing this on rest day cycle two. I'm feeling better and despite a sore right knee, optimistic that the next day on will having me feeling a bit better. I'm also wondering how much of my emotional frustrations might be linked to the change. Once of my friends Paul and others have mentioned that I don't deal well with change. I'm wondering if maybe some of my feelings of disconnection aren't related to this. There is a lot of change and adapting that goes on when moving into a house for a climbing trip with 4 of your friends.
To extend this line of thinking, as we age we deal less well with change. Maybe the last couple years where I have been struggling is a result of not relaxing into the changes in my life and struggling to control what's coming at me. Seems a good explanation as any for my somewhat disconnected and/or ambivalence to life and where I'm going. If I think back to the most exciting and happiest moments of my life are when I was taking things as they came and choosing in the moment. Having to some degree a faith in the best outcome, now I seem to be projecting into the future that I can see from the behaviour of people around me and humanities activities at large. Once again, I take on too much, I can't be responsible for humanity only myself. Its easy to say, hard not to project or force it on others.
I look forward to being more in the moment. The fresh air of this second rest day creeping in from the open deck door is already reminding me to be here and now. The rest is yet to come.
1 comment:
So true Chris - so easy to get caught up in the past and project the future, so hard to stay in the moment and enjoy all it has to offer. Ironic, as the moment is all we truly have.
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